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JJ <3 [userpic]

February 15th, 2007 (08:52 pm)
confused

current mood: confused
current song: Goodbye Blues - Tyler Burkum

Do you ever not tell anyone something, just to have something that only you know?  Lately I've been doing that more and more, over stupid things, but I just like knowing that out of the billions of people in the world, the knowledge is all mine.  Just me, no one else.

I'm not sure how I've been feeling, either.  Like, I've felt increasingly alone, and not just because I don't have a boyfriend.  Somehow it feels like I'm already letting go of the friends I know I won't have next year, and that's really scary because I don't want to lose them next year, much less now.  I just feel like there's no one person that's always there when I need them, I have lots of people that are sometimes there, which usually makes up for it.   But not lately.  I'm in my own little world.

I am also discovering, lately, how to experience happiness even when there's no one to laugh with you.  I find myself smiling in my car by myself, for no reason at all other than it's a beautiful night and I am listening to music and feeling like I can do whatever I want.  I mean, of course, I can't, but for some reason my loneliness has come with a sense of independence.

What is going on?!

Comments

Posted by: one lie short of truth (ronwheezy)
Posted at: February 16th, 2007 04:49 am (UTC)

its called enlightenment. there is a simple pleasure in driving late at night under a star filled sky with the windows down in mid summer, while at any time you can look to your right and see the moon rising over the water. an absolutely spectacular view. it is in moments like those that i truly feel alive. and i mean alive.

as far as the friends thing goes...you're distancing yourself in order to make it less painful when you finally do say goodbye. and honestly, its something we all do.

let me provide some words of so called wisdom. your loneliness providing independence is as such:
in order for a relationship to be even remotely healthy, you must have an entirely autonomous sense of self, and NOT define yourself by the relationship. i made that mistake once and after the relationship was over, i had no idea who i was.

and from another point of view:
only when you have lost everything, are you free to do anything.
you have a freedom now that you wouldn't have in a relationship.

im sorry this is so crazy, im just feeling overly advicey tonight, although i'm sure you already know all of this. =\

Posted by: JJ <3 (marredkiss12)
Posted at: February 16th, 2007 08:50 pm (UTC)

No no no don't apologize! It really helps hearing from another perspective. Good to know I'm not alone. Thanks mucho :]

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: February 17th, 2007 10:27 pm (UTC)
Hey

JJ, you know that if you ever need someone to talk to or just to be there, I'm always here (seriously, I'm usually never too busy to talk or hang out). I don't just talk to you on the spur of the moment because I don't know if you do want to talk or not. I have noticed that you've been distancing yourself, but I believe this is a natural phase that you must take. I know you well enough to know that you will come out of this ready to face life on a new level.

I do worry about you sometimes, JJ, and I don't want you to push me away. You're my best friend; you're never alone.

Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: February 17th, 2007 10:29 pm (UTC)
Re: Hey

^from J-bob

Posted by: JJ <3 (marredkiss12)
Posted at: February 17th, 2007 11:47 pm (UTC)
Re: Hey

Thanks :] I honestly don't mean to push you away/worry you, and I don't mean to distance myself. I'm just weird at the moment, and I'm sorry I haven't talked as much lately :(

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